Diary Of A Fat Black Woman

I Guess I Started My Diet Again

2008-03-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

night before last? supper was baby spinach with balsamic breeze salad spritzer and smart ones tuna noodle gratin.

yesterday? breakfast was grape nuts and coffee (ok, i put some sugar on the grape nuts, but still!). i didn't eat lunch (mouth was too numb). supper? baked fish (not breaded), shrimp, rice, and asparagus.

today? rice for breakfast, balsamic baby spinach and lean cuisine pizza for lunch.

something must be terribly wrong with me, because i honestly had no concrete intentions of starting a diet...it just happened. Maybe I'm onto something here...

so, i guess this means i'm officially on day 3. let's see if i can keep it up for 362 more....

or, you know, another week.

Seriously!?

2007-11-10T21:04:00.001-08:00

They needed a fucking grant to come up with this!? I could have told them all of this for FREE!!

project bitty biddy

2007-10-19T19:06:00.000-07:00

The goal:

to go from this:

to this:

the plan:

ok, maybe this, again:

ugh...i'm just so tired of being overweight. i know the surgeon is going to tell me i have to lose weight to help my back. and, i'm tired of looking like a beached whale. and, let's face it, i'm never gonna find a man until i get some of this weight off. and damnitt, i need a man! (no offense Friend, I know you understand)

i know, i say i'm going to do it all the time, but this time, i mean it...i'm in too much pain to not do something. since i hurt my back, i've lost about 12 pounds. i have no idea how, other than i just haven't had much of an appetite. i'm not eating any better, but i'm eating a lot less. a lot. so, i figured while i am already on this path, i might as well stay on it a while.

i've done the points thing before. lost 25 pounds the first month i did it...then i went back to africa and well, it's difficult to do weight watchers when you're in africa, cause let's face it, you don't always know what you're eating...and believe me, sometimes you don't wanna know...

anyway, that was like 2, 3? years ago and i just never got back on track. whoops...and needless to say, i've gained it all (and then some) back.

wish me luck...i'm damn sure gonna need it...

Be My Bra

2007-10-19T13:00:00.001-07:00

God, I Love This Woman

2007-07-11T11:55:00.001-07:00

"Some fellow asked me the other day, “Paula, do you make any low calorie dishes?” I turned to him and said 'Honey, I’m not your nurse – I’m your cook!' Then for good measure I probably added some more butter!" - Paula Deen

Ah, Hell...

2007-06-30T20:43:00.001-07:00

so, I'm reading my daily dose of crack and head on over to a new addition to my list: Wit's End.

Rarely do I look at everyone else's linkage list (sorry, i'm more interested in the blog) but occasionally I do. Imagine my surprise when I saw she linked me! WOO HOO! Biddy's becoming popular! I haven't been popular since high school!

Anyway...

Then, I scrolled down a lil further...

she has an effing linkage list called "i'm hungry...how about you?"

it's all links to recipe sites. oh sweet jesus...

i

am

in

serious

trouble...

Karma

2007-06-27T17:09:00.000-07:00

Woke up from my nap hungry with a headache. grrrreat. Friend wasn't hungry yet, so I thought "oh i'll just have a snack."

so, i popped a bag of popcorn. one of those lil individual bags (i totally gave myself kudos for that one). The bag said 3 or less minutes. so i put it on for 2:40

at 2:20, the microwave was FULL of smoke. I popped open the door, opened the bag, still thinking "ah there's gotta be a few bites in there that are still good." WRONG! The effing popcorn, and i kid you not, WAS ON FIRE. Not just smoking ON FUCKING FIRE! shiiiiiiit

So, I poured it in a bowl, smoldering, and turned the cold water onto it. It sizzled worse than any frying pan i've ever done this to. crap. enter Friend yelling from his bed "what the hell are you burning!?"

after i drained (ewww) the popcorn and threw it away, my tummy was really talking to me. and i figured since i haven't eaten much of anything today, that is probably the cause of my headache. so, i decided to go with something safe: ice cream. besides, i couldn't take another blow to my susie homemaker ego (i get seriously pissed if i mess up anything food wise. even if the crisis is the simple fact that the icing is more pink than fuschia) you can't burn ice cream right?

WRONG!

I grab the pint of Hot Fudge Brownie Blue Belle outta the freezer, grab a spoon and head to the computer. sit down, open it up with sweet anticipation...

and the shit is so beyond freezer burnt, it has taken on a warmish hair gel mixed with glue type quality. all together now, 'EWWWW"

so, i guess this means i don't need a snack. i need to just wait for Friend to get hungry so we can eat some supper.

or maybe i'll just put some ketchup on my arm and eat that...

Skillz

2007-06-21T12:46:00.000-07:00

Just put those awesome rationalization skillz to good use...

Why is it that eating 5 bite sized candy bars seems so much better than 1 normal sized one?? Because I wanted them. That's why...

My main rationalization for eating them? Because Mimi and I are going to Abuelo's with the Old Car Club tonight and I figure the diet is already going to be shot for the day...so why not give in to the urge to raid the candy drawer??

You may judge me now...

I am pathetic

Hello, My Name Is Brandy, And I Am A Foodaholic

2007-06-21T12:30:00.000-07:00

I've seriously been addicted to food WAYYYYYYYYYYYY too long! How do I know this? You know, other than the extra 110 pounds I'm carrying around on my disgustingly obese body...

My food rationalization skills are impecable. I can indeed justify eating an entire cheesecake (or any other food you can think of that has 564651065465 calories per bite) so well, that you will think it's actually going to hurt your body in some form or fashion if you don't eat it.
I honestly think about food ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME. Work? I'm definitely not concentrating on the ginormous stack of shot records in front of me. I'm thinking about the snack machine that is no more than 8 steps away from me and if I have enough change to get anything yummy. Waking up - first thought is : "hmmm wonder what i've got enough time to eat for breakfast" Getting off work, I'm so not focusing on the fact that the long ass day is finally over. I'm calling Friend to see what he wants to do for supper.
I can cook like nobody's business. Yes, I know, you don't have to be fat to be a wonderful cook. BUT, as Chris Rock once said, "...a black man failing black history. ain't that some sh*t? Cause you know fat people don't fail cooking! Duh that's PAPRIKA!" Anyway, my grandmother taught me a love for all things Susie-Homemakerish at a very early age. As a toddler (we're talking by like age 2 if not sooner) she would have me up on the counter helping her cook. I've loved it ever since. My problem? I like to cook like Mimi cooks - SOUTHERN. And I like to chow down on the yummy treasures I create. NOT a good combo...for those of you who have not been blessed with Southern cooking...it almost always involves: bacon, bacon grease, flour, crisco, drippings, gravy, any number of fried veggies, mashed potatoes, creamed corn...you get the picture...
My mouth seriously waters at the smell of something delicious to eat. Friend lives less than a mile from the Mrs. Bairds Bakery...OH.MY.GOSH. It is heaven when the wind blows the right direction!
I can tell you what to get at pretty much any restraunt in town that you will LOVE. Scary, but handy...

reverting to childhood?

2007-06-06T07:42:00.001-07:00

~~So, the diet ain't goin to good...~~
The English major in me just won't allow me to use that poor of language...let's try that again:

The diet bit the friggin dust. There, that's better...

I think I'm reverting back to childhood eating habits. Yesterday I went to the donut shop (not the one with the giant mouthed kid) for breakfast. For lunch, I had PB&J. This morning, what did I have for breakfast? Not my healthy bowl of All Bran w/Yogurt bites and skim milk. Not my cocoa pebbles, toast and orange juice, but a big honkin' (that's a technical term here in west texas) ~~piece~~ slab of chocolate cake from Rosa's and coffee. And let me just tell you, it was dang good. I mean DANG good. The only thing that could have made it better would have been a honkin' (there's that technical term again) scoop of Blue Belle Homemade Vanilla on top. But, how could I have ice cream for breakfast? Ugh, that's just so unhealthy :-)

I don't think I'll be indulging in PB&J for lunch again though. I'm thinking I should probably eat a weight watchers meal or a lean cuisine...or nothing....

I wonder what's next on my childhood menu? I remember as a kid I love love LOVED cold chicken for breakfast. Mmmm cold fried chicken....oh and of course, the staple: cold pizza. YUM! Not so long ago I had a huge craving (I mean, like almost a pregnant woman's craving) for cold pizza. I definitely ordered me a pizza, and as soon as it go there, I stuck it in the fridge.

I know, I'm weird like that...

I have GOT to get back to the diet and STICK to it!

I'm thinking I should just have my mouth stapled shut...

reason number 165416843 to quit eating

2007-06-05T15:10:00.001-07:00

oh how i hope i have a body that looks like this when i'm pregnant...you know, if that ever friggin happens...

hmmm

2007-05-31T10:44:00.000-07:00

ok, so I have to admit, I'm an infomercial junkie. I really am. Rarely do I buy anything I see on them, but I like to watch them and think "oh that's a good idea" or "haha i love how fake these people are"

However, there are 3 workout infomercials that always catch my eye and look like fun. Now, if you know me, workout and fun never go in the same sentence. So, this is a big deal to me. I really really want to try them! Here are the three that always catch my eye:

Yoga Booty Ballet

Core Secrets

Turbo Jam

ohhh if only i had photoshop...my face would so be on that woman's body haha

Now, before you go and say all the usual things people say about these things...I'm not wanting to try them because I think they will turn my life around and I'll loose 3546541 pounds in 32 minutes. I simply think the workouts look like fun, and hey, if they help me shed some pounds GREAT! SOME workout has got to be better than none right?

So, has anyone out there actually tried any of these? I did give in to the Winsor Pilates infomercial and LOVE IT. I don't have a lean mean body, but I'm pretty sure if I keep it up, it might get that way!

Reunited...

2007-05-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

Miss me?? Yeah, me neither....

However, it's time to do something once and for all. I know, I've said it 16851686354 times, but this time, I mean it. I think...

I looked at myself butt naked in the mirror this morning. I wanted to PUKE...so, it's time...

time for 19685168 gallons of water a day...

time for the points system...

time for Smart Ones every day for lunch...

time to get my ass back to the gym...

no more cocoa pebbles for breakfast....

no more blue belle binges...

no more Cracker Barrell Homestyle Chicken on Sundays...

no more $1.39 happy meals on Thursdays...

no more Joe's Italian...

no more ridiculous rationalizations (oh one bite won't hurt...i'll hurt their feelings if i don't at least try it...)

NO MORE VENDING MACHINE!

ugh...wish me luck

Yay Me!!!

2006-08-22T09:09:00.000-07:00

1 month, 10 pounds gone...GO ME! Actually, we have not technically hit the month mark yet, so it might be more! I don't really know how much more I will lose in the next 5 days, but we'll see!

10 pounds sounds like so little when I'm looking at the big picture (100 pounds) but I have to keep telling myself that I didn't find all this weight in a month, so I'm certainly not going to lose it any faster than I gained it! However, if I think of it like "ok, 1 month, 10 pounds...if I keep this up, i will be my target weight in 9 more months!" I know that's fairly unrealistic thanks to school, my family having a birthday party every 20 minutes, and the fact that people hit plateaus (the more weight you lose, the harder it gets to lose it)...but hey, whatever works!!!

I'm also rather proud of myself for a few other reasons:

My Mom was kind enough to offer to pay for my membership to the Gym...how freakin cool is that? I know - you have to actually go to the gym in order for it to make a difference...and i actually have been! I've been every single day since she started paying for it! GO ME! I even brought my lunch to work today so that I can go work out on my lunch break instead of going home to take a nap like I really want to do. I slept sooooooo good last night and I'm assuming it's because I worked my butt off at the gym yesterday...I could be wrong....oh yeah...I just remembered I took a Tylenol PM at Friend's house before I went home...DUH!

Another YAY ME moment: After I left Friend's house last night, I had the worst craving for something sweet! So, I pulled into the United parking lot, went in and looked around for a good little bit. I decided I wanted some Homemade Vanilla Blue Belle to go with the Orange Juice I already had at home (this is a very good combination by the way). I debated and debated on whether or not to get a pint (I at least knew better than to get a half gallon!). I got mad at myself and went to look at the "light" ice creams. None seemed very appetizing - except of course the not so light Blue Belle...I opened the door, cursed at myself and closed it back. I'm sure the people at the store thought I was crazy because I kept talking to myself...but sometimes that's the only way I can reason with myself! So, I decided to walk around and see if I could find a healthier alternative that sounded just as appetizing. Next aisle over - cinnamon rolls. I cinnamon rolls! Especially the ones with cream cheese icing...YUM! So I said to myself, "self, check the label" Ugh, stupid self! I turned it over saw how many calories are in ONE roll (not to mention the fat content and lack of any fiber) and nearly fainted...because I know that I can eat an entire batch of cinnamon rolls over the course of a day! So I said to myself, "self, put them back NOW" ugh, stupid self! Anyway...I roamed around the store looking at all my favorite snacks and talking myself out of buying them..."self, way too many calories" "self, yeah these are low in fat and calories, but can you really stop with just one serving - yeah that's what I thought, put it back" "self, that costs way too much money - and that will just make you feel even more guilty after eating it" "self, just go right on ahead and tape that to your ass cause that's exactly where it's gonna go" UGH!! stupid self!!

So, I left the grocery store...and bought absolutely NOTHING! YAY ME!! I went home and ate absolutely NOTHING! DOUBLE YAY ME!! What did I do to curb my intense craving for something sweet? Brushed my teeth and drank a big glass of water....you'd be surprised at how well that works! I remember reading one time that when you think you're hungry, drink a big glass of water, wait 20 minutes, and if you're still hungry, eat....apparently dehydration masks itself as hunger...Weird

Hahaha funny story:

So this morning my mom comes to steal some animal crackers out of my desk (my stash has gone down considerably...thanks mom) and tells me about this dream she had last night. I nearly peed my pants laughing so hard. She said that she had this dream where she woke up and walked down the hall where her closets (yes, plural) are and I was standing there, NAKED! She asked me what the heck I was doing and I told her (hehe this is where I started laughing uncontrollably) "I'm down to a size 2 and I don't have anything to wear!" I was obviously not a size 2 in this dream, and my mom kept trying to convince me that I was indeed not a size 2, perhaps a 12? I got pissed at her and was like "ugh MOM! can you not see how hard I've been working!?"

OK, reasons this dream was so dang funny to me: a) I have obviously NEVER been a size 2 (maybe when i was like 4 years old). b)I haven't lived with my parents since I was like 17...why was I there? c) why the heck was I naked!? ewww d)my mom has not been a size 2 since I was like 8 years old (sickening i know), so why was i looking in her closet if I thought I was a size 2? e) my mom is definitely much smaller than I am, but she's also 5'1" (on a good day) and about 3 cup sizes smaller than me...even if she and I wore the same "size" none of her stuff would fit me! and f) I will never be a size 2 - how sick would that be?? I mean, seriously, I'm 5'8"...that would just be disgusting!! Nope...I'm shooting for something more like a 10 or *gasp* an 8...

So, I'm still laughing about this dream...I'm sure I find it much more funny than anyone else, but it's stinkin hilarious to me!

So, now it's 1:00 and I have successfully had a healthy breakfast (Fiber One with a banana and skim milk), 2 cups of coffee (artificial sweetner thank you), a handful of now stale animal crackers, a Smart One for lunch (3 cheese ziti..yum!), 32 dreadful ounces of water (I seriously feel like my stomach is a big water balloon), have my blog updated, and have gotten all of about 2 hours worth the work done haha...

Now I'm going to go work out...or maybe take a nap...no, i'm gonna go work out...

ugh! stupid self!

Will Power...

2006-08-15T08:51:00.000-07:00

I have none...none! I'm sitting here at work telling myself over and over again "there is NOTHING for you in the vending machine...NOTHING" but my stomach and taste buds are saying "LOOK AT ALL THAT YUMMY STUFF IN THERE!!!" grrrrrrrr

Anyway...let's see...it's been a LONG time since I last wrote. Oh yes, I remember because I had a super long blog written about the vending machine blues (they restocked it that day for the first time since I started to work here)...It's chock full of everything I love - cheetos, chocolate of all varieties, cookies, powdered donuts, nutter butters, honey buns...ugh!

So far i'm doing well in resisting the temptation to go rob my mother and buy, well, everything! But it's getting more and more difficult. Why must I eat when I'm bored? I HATE IT! I've got to find a doc that will prescribe me some Phentermine. I took one of Stormy's last week (yes, I realize this is a big no no, but I did it anyway) and man, it was great! I didn't eat breakfast and wasn't even hungry at lunch. I did eat lunch because I knew I needed something in me. Supper time rolled around, I ate half of my meal and thought I was going to puke. That's some powerful s**t! I also found out (thank you Stormy) that Sam's is the best place to get it. I don't have Rx insurance, but apparently insurance doesn't cover that anyway...so, I called around and at Wally it's almost $30 for a month's supply! Walgreens is about $15 more than that...and good ol' Sam's Club? Yeah, $16.55 for a month! Holy stinkin cow! SIGN ME UP!

To date I have lost about 9(ish) pounds. just 91 more to go! 41 more till Friend has to give up the cigs for good! YAY!

I've been trying to work out at home on days I don't make it to the gym (which has been a lot this past week). I've succeeded a few times, but I definitely could have done better! I've had a terrrrrrrrible kidney and/or bladder infection for the past week and a half and it has just made me feel miserable! I finally got my gyno to call me in a scrip without actually going in to see her...(why do doc's question you when you KNOW what's wrong and just need some antibiotics!?...I mean, seriously, I've had enough of these things to know exactly what's going on!) I feel much better today and even have a little energy...woo hoo!

Unfortuately my free membership to the gym expires today :-( so now I have to make the decision of biting the bullet and paying for it, or just making myself get on my treadmill at home...Don't ask me why, but it's easier for me to go to the gym than it is to work out at home...I guess because my couch and my bed are at home and they are much more appealing than the treadmill, my pilates or yoga?

OK, I should probably get some work done since I'm leaving early today...be proud, I'm actually going to register for the fall...too bad i should have done this back in like, oh, MARCH!

2006-08-02T12:27:00.000-07:00

pretty sure i'm really pissed right now...

had a long ass blog written just in time for the internet to go down and lose EVERYTHING...

ANGRY FACE

Day 5...I think...

2006-07-27T15:36:00.000-07:00

Why in the hell did I decide to start a diet right smack dab in the middle of my period? What the hell was I thinking!? Ugh...all I want to do is eat, and I'm not talking about healthy eating...I'm talking Chocolate, real Cokes, ice cream, fries...I WANT THEM ALL DAMNITT! I swear I feel like I'm possessed by some obese demon that's just making me want to eat every unhealthy thing in sight. I mean, seriously, real cokes?! Do you know how long it's been since I've had a Coca Cola?! A LONG ASS TIME! I've been really good about drinking Diet Dr Pepper but today it just wasn't cutting it. I stopped at Mc Donald's, got a vanilla cone (which is actually frozen yogurt by the way) and a large ass coke...I thought about just getting a small, but you know they've got that whole "you could win a car" thing going on so i figured "oh what the hell, i'll get a large so I can at least get a game piece...doesn't mean i have to drink it all" Well, I didn't get an f-ing game piece...so now i have this ginormous coke sitting here, tempting me. I've had it a good while now and have not gulped it all down...oh but i want to....

Friend is not being supportive at all. In fact, he told me last night (after i asked him to eat the last tortilla so i wouldn't) "no, that will just be a few more days I get to smoke" Gee, thanks...ugh

Then of course, there is the guilt from cheating...*sigh* I think "idiot..you're never going to lose all that weight if you keep this crap up" and I know that's true...so why do I continue to do it? Oh, because it tastes sooo good! I hate that I'm a food snob...I really do. I know what tastes I like, and generally those tastes are not healthy ones...Yeah, and the food journal has gone to the dogs...I just can't bare to write down all the shit I've been eating the past 2 days...it's too depressing...

DIRTY WORD!

OK, so Stormy just informed me that to burn off the calories of a 20 oz coke, I would need to run 3 miles. Excuse me while I go dump this coke in the sink...

Oh that was painful! Out of sight but not out of mind...hey, at least I picked up a mini banana on my way out of the kitchen. And yes, I ate it...

I found out that starting August 1 I can go work out at Hendrick Health Club for free for a couple of weeks because I work for the school district. Rock on! AND they are giving all AISD employees a great discount on membership...maybe I should join...I really like the facility and they offer so many classes and personal trainers that I'm bound to find something to get me going!

Well, the obese demon is telling me it's time for some foodage...wonder what will be on tonight's menu..

Day 2

2006-07-25T07:25:00.000-07:00

Hello Folks....

I don't know that anyone will read this or find it the least bit interesting, but I don't care! I'm doing this for ME! I have a blog for stories, days happenings, etc. This one is going to be used to track my 900th attempt at weight loss. I am almost 22 years old and weigh an ungodly amount. I'm tired of shopping in the plus sizes and being depressed because EVERYTHING in my favorite stores (Old Navy, Gap, Target) is too small. Don't get me wrong, they have their share of things in my size, but Old Navy and Gap have to be ordered on line, and Target's "plus size" clothes just don't fit right. I have a big stomach, but I don't have a big butt...unfortunately they just assume everyone with a big stomach has a big butt and even bigger legs when they make their plus size clothes. So, when I try something of theirs on, nine times out of ten I look like i've crapped my pants...not cool

Lane Bryant - great store for us fat girls. Unfortunately they are TOO DAMN EXPENSIVE! Not good for a poor college student!

Anyway...I woke up yesterday with a new motivation...You see, I need a man. I am to the point in my life that I'm starting to get scared that I will be fat and alone the rest of my life. Neither of which is ok with me! I think losing weight will not only make me feel better about myself, I also think it will greatly improve my chances of finding a man. I know I know - looks shouldn't matter, but unfortunately THEY DO to an extent. Also, my best friend (whom we will simply refer to as Friend) made a deal with me...He told me that when I lose 50 lbs, he'll quit smoking. You better believe I jumped all over that one. I have been nagging him for years about his chain smoking...I mean, geeze the man has asthma, emphazema, and sounds like he's coughing up a lung most days...So, I'm on my way to holding up my end of the deal. I do however need to add a clause in there...What if I lose the weight, he quits smoking, but a couple months later he starts back up? I'm certainly not gonna go gain 50 lbs back because he didn't hold up his end of the deal! Maybe there should be some money involved...hmmmm

Anyway...so far I'm doing pretty good. I didn't wake up with the usual "oh damn i start my diet today." Instead, it was more "alright, let's get started!" I hope I can keep this attitude up....

I'm going to go for now, but you can check back here to see me ranting or praising or just plain cussing myself...it could get quite entertaining. Oh, and please feel free to leave encouraging remarks! I am going to need all the help and motivation I can get!